I was bored this morning. I went about my usual Sunday morning routine: Wake up, go to 7:30 Mass, eat a Bakers Square breakfast, come home, check blogs/websites for updates.

I finish at about 10am. Having nothing to do, I browsed aimlessly. I decided to check up on deviantART for some reason. I haven’t been to the place in years. I remember that I have an old account from as far back as age 13. Should be fun to see what I had back then, right?

WRONG. I was highly disappointed in what I found. Amongst the hackneyed, default-filtered Photoshop jobs, I found this:

[Click to englarge]

A screencap of my desktop from years back. I don’t think any image on the internet consists of more fail and AIDS than this one. Let me give you a run-down of everything that sucks in this picture.

1) The number one problem: AOL. Yes, I once had AOL. And it looks as if I had version 7.0 AND 9.0. Lucky me. T_T. I couldn’t stand AOL. Never in a million years will I ever use anything by AOL again, be it an internet service provider or beta-stage news.

2) 800×600 resolution. The computer I used was fully capable of running at 1024×768. Was I blind as a child?

3) StyleXP. Now, StyleXP was pretty decent despite the fact that it is a gigantic resource hog. However, better alternatives (read: Neowin’s UXTheme patch) were available at the time of this screencap. The dark theme isn’t that great, either.

4) Some stupid-ass cursor effects program. Just look at the cursor. It’s BLACK and it has FLAMES. I specifically remember double-clicking and screencapping soon thereafter so that the flame effect could be seen. God, was I cool or what? Nothing like setting the screen ablaze every time I fire up AOL! Shit.

5) Winamp. Dammit. (*edit* 12-24-07: look here for explanation)

6) The Dock. This is probably the most embarrassing ‘feature’ thus far. Did I really need that many shortcuts? Of course not. But I did, and that’s all that matters. Let’s criticize from left to right.
a-b) We already covered my TWO, count ‘em two, versions of AOL.
c-h) We can skip the Adobe/Macromedia programs (Flash, Fireworks, Dreamweaver, PS7, ImageReady CS, Photoshop CS), as they are the only applications that can possibly redeem my sorry ass.
i) That next icon is for a SONY digital camera. I used the software that came with it. Hold on while I get the noose.
j) That ‘X’ shaped icon to the right was some Flash text effect generator called FlaX. I used it well before I had any [legitimate] experience with Flash. It can output some decent results, but it did everything for you, thus rendering it anything but fulfilling.
k) IS THAT FUCKING PAINT?!
l) The film strip wrapped around the world icon is Ulead Gif Animator. I fully endorse its use to this day. It’s probably not the best in its class, but I sure as hell don’t find myself churning out gifs every day, so don’t take my word for it.
m-n) I really have no clue as to what the paint bucket and film strip represent. NEXT.
o) The icon with the green text is Bitmap Font Writer. Another exception in terms of this image’s consistent ass-baggery.
p-q) Camtasia was decent, but not for the reason I used it. I used it to record my screen as I played emulated retro games. Productive, right? WRONG. I SUCKED. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to skip around a bit.
Norton. Do I even have to explain this one? Norton is the most asinine anti-virus suite the industry has known. Much like AOL, it is nearly impossible to get rid of it once its installed. I could go on forever, but I’ve got more highly insignificant things to complain about.
Kazaa. I think this post has hit its all-time low. You don’t get much lower than Kazaa. I really…I just…I’m speechless. The shame is overpowering.
While the dock in that screenshot blows more d than the entire cast of internet pornstars, I take pride in the fact that it doesn’t look as bad as it used to.

What the hell was I thinking back then? I really hope I don’t stumble upon any more of this. Looking back on this made me realize how hard I used to suck. My enthusiasm for writing this post has dramatically decreased since I began.

DAMN. Now I’m ANGRY. Thanks, Wordpress.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, December 23rd, 2007 at 12:15 pm and is filed under Humor, PC, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.